Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie