[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?