Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Dune (2021)
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.