Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*exercises sarcastically*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.