her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.