6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I occasionally drink every single night.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Ugh
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
This was the best day of my life
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.