I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
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Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.