My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive