If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Plant care tips
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch