That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Love this guy
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.