Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You Might Also Like
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing