Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*