[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.