4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6