me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Follow me for more life hacks.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.