In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
they really do be looking like this
how long have you had this for?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please