According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
#Caturday
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Bloody internet 😳
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future