we all know this pain all too well
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
The options really are this bad
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.