Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
You Might Also Like
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: