me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
You Might Also Like
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car