a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
You Might Also Like
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Girl, same.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you