Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
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Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not