6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?