*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Best seat on the street 😍
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.