(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…