When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼