[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*