Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
how to have an accident 101
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.