protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
so, is there a mister shapen head
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.