I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
WTF
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.