i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.