What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind