[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?