friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Somebody call the cops.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The news in a nutshell.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.