Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.