My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?