how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
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Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Thoughts
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup