Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS