From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.