ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
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I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me: