The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Gods work.
Many hands make light work
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”