If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick