why does this building look like a guilty dog
You Might Also Like
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.