I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
You Might Also Like
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
A fake ID that makes you younger
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..