i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
This is hilarious….
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.