I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough