π€¦π»ββοΈππ
You Might Also Like
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just π
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest Iβve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
5 year old: Does βCupidβ mean βcuteβ and βstupidβ?
Me: It does now.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: Iβm sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: Youβll have to come back tomorrow
There is really no good way to work “garΓ§on” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay youβre kind of freaking me out.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: Itβs the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of βThe Apprentice.β
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Can’t stop laughing
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
good let them take over I have had enough
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please donβt block me.