If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
cats when you pet them too long:
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.