On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”