[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.